Anticipation of the unknown...

I kept myself busy today each time i slowed down i forced myself to get up once more and get my body busy so i wouldn't have time to think. tonight i chatted with my closest friends and let them know that tomorrow i will prolly need them close for moral support. then i watched some tv not that i was paying to much attention to it.
Dean and i went to bed at 11pm school and work tomorrow so we have to be up early. i lay down, close my eyes and it starts. my eyes fill with saline my pillow gets all wet and i can't rightly explain why. ok i can but i tell myself that if i voice my thoughts aloud someone other than me is going to tell me i am just being ridiculous.
truth be told im terrified.
i know that a hysterectomy is routine these days and 1 in 4 women end up having one at some point in their lives and i know that although it is major surgery my risk level is pretty low for complications or otherwise but i can't help think what if...
sure i have had medical procedures before and even been put under a half dozen times but this time is different. this is major surgery. the ramifications of that word major haven't gone un-noticed in this little brain.
i am going to ramble here cause there is no collective reasoning to the thoughts in my head at this point. i am hoping letting it all flow will ease some of these monsters that are chasing me as soon as i hit the pillow.
first and foremost i want to be here on earth where i can see my kids grow up. where i can spend time with dean loving him as we grow old together. i want to see graduations and weddings and grandchildren and i am scared of the possibility no matter how slight it is that i could miss all that.
heaven forbid something go wrong but not deadly wrong i don't want to be living on support of machines and modern medicine. that isn't a life and it is definately not the exsistance i would want. hmmm will this stand up in court? :P ok bad humour but im trying here.
now that the irrational is out of the way ...
reality... I am going to pull through just fine as they say and when i wake up i am going to be in agony. the nurses... thank god for them... will offer me drugs and more drugs to help me through the next few hours and days so the pain doesn't kill me. this said i don't know how well im gonna do with the pain drugs or not. i am afraid of the pain because i imagine it will be far worse than labour or any kidney infection or stone known to woman or man. i am not afraid to ask for pain meds but i do fear the dependance of them.
recovery... i don't do nothing well. i don't like to be a burden to others and i like to be independant not relying on others to do things for me. call it stubborn pride or maybe just plain stupidity but i feel guilt when i can be of help to those around me but i have never learned to graciously accept their help in return. 6 weeks recovery and i am told that for the first two i will be able to do nothing to contribute to the parenting of the kids or the running of the house. that causes me huge guilt knowing dean will be working full time and will have to juggle 4 kids and me never mind meals and laundry all while i sit and watch.
as i just explained i don't do nothing well. i know me and i will push it trying to healthy faster than i really am and i would like to know how to avoid that. i mean how much damage could taking the laundry out of the washer cause? appearantly a whole lot. i intend to heed to the dr's warnings but i also know me and that will be easier said than done.
i won't have an income for a few weeks. now this isn't a problem finacially i have provisions set aside just in case so no donations needed thanks :P i have not however not had my own income in more years than i can remember. yes there were times during pregnancy's and such that i didn't work but i had unemployment insurance or maternity leave to cover those times. even if it ws only a few hrs a week i have worked pretty much since i was 13 and the idea that i won't have income for any length of time is a little eerie.
appearance... now you prolly don't know this about me... maybe you do... but im not high maintenance in the fashion side of the world. i don't wear make-up my hairstyle is my own and i don't much care about current fashion so long as i look alright when i leave the house. ok there are times when i don't care about that even... recalls late night trips to safeway in pj's and slippers. I do however care about my figure. not my weight lets face it im at a weight that doesn't want to move up or down and im ok with that. i am not ok with the idea that my torso figure might change as i have come to a pretty comfortable agreement with my looks after all the kids i had. vanity? you betcha besides the whole scar idea isn't sitting to well either even if it won't be publically viewed.
emotional... this one is still up in the air depends if i get to keep the ovaries or not. if i do great i get a few more years to adjust to the idea of menopause. if i don't then i will be slammed into menopause with just a few slices of a scalpel. I will deal with that bridge if i have to cross it. of course there is still the emotional upheaval that i won't be having more kids. now being realistic here dean and i have 5 between us plus his step daughter and our hands are full we won't be having more kids. he had the V done anyway so there wasn't much chance of it happening to begin with. however... there is the option, the choice to have more and that is being taken away from me. does it mean im not a woman anymore... no just means i am a woman who can't possibly concieve anymore and i don't like that the option won't be there.
rumour... i have heard there is a possibility that i could lose my sex drive. this is a bigger issue than it should be for me. dean and i talked about it briefly and he said if it happens it happens. it happened to him with chemo and we knew it probably would. if i lose that ddrive for a few months no big deal but i have been doing a lot of reading and for some it never comes back. i am in my damn prime thank you very much and i like that i am. i don't want to lose that now. i don't want to be the partner who is never in the mood or feels like it is an obligation to the relationship.
i know most of this crap is probably unfounded and in a few weeks will all be behind me but right now it is right here on this little brain driving me crazy.
dean ran down the logical last night for me... i will have surg... i will wake up in pain... they will give me pain meds... i will rest and take it easy for a few weeks... i will be itching to get back to work by the end of may.
hes right that is exactly how it will go but because i am analytical and obsess about things i have to obsess about this. combined with this week's brutal pms you can imagine how i am feeling... well you can if your a woman i suppose. for the guys substitue your fav sports team losing their final post season playoff game it feels the same LOL
its all going to go well and all my fears will be laid to rest in a few days. Surg is wed sometime if they can fit me on the emergency roster. i await the call that says we got room get here asap.
kinda ironic really. i will have the bag packed for the hospital just waiting for the call. kinda like waiting for that first labour pain or the water to break.
i want you all to know i appreciate your love, your friendship, and your prayers and i only wish i could give back to you what you have all given me the last couple weeks in support.
if i don't talk to you before surg, wish me well and keep me in your prayers i will be home in a few days and i will be looking for all of you.
love and hugs
Susan